May 17, 2013

Yesterday was so tiring.

Had my 8-4:30 shift, with me having to wake up at 5 am just to get ready.

Then you picked me up and we hung out around Sherway and Chapters until 6:30 for traffic to die down. Going to Hamilton to chill at your place. Then eating sushi while watching a movie before going home (with a 12 am curfew and getting home at 12:07).

I liked spending time with you.

When you picked up a book on trolls and I said you were in it and you said I’m the one on the cover.

When you let me nap on your bed for a bit cause I was tired and you had chores to do anyway.

You getting sushi since I said I saw a book on sushi at Chapters which made you crave too.

Us eating the horrible store-packed sushi while watching the original Thai version of Shutter.

You holding me as i hide under the covers and scream errytime.

You reading me the subtitles when I don’t look.

You making me get out of the covers just so I won’t miss any scary parts.

The feel of your arms around me and when your fingers trace my body.

When my head is just on your chest as we cuddled and talked and be silly little eight-year-olds.

Us (mostly me) constantly poking at our age difference (which doesn’t bother me at all).

Your random kisses on my nose, my cheek, my lips.

When you dropped me home and talked about the movie in the car.

Randomly holding hands during parts of the movie and in the car ride when I was almost home.

When you dropped me at my door and I had to go on tiptoe to hug you and you had to lean down super low to hug me and kiss my cheek.

Just the little things make me enjoy my time with you.

But I’m afraid to ask what we are because I don’t want any of those things to change.

So I’ll just let it be.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was fun, comfy, cold and interesting:

You picked me up and went to Hamilton (damn those shades, leather jacket and BMW caught me off guard); went to the comic book store since it was Free Comic Book Day and got three different comics each; played Left 4 Dead 2 where I murdered those zombies with my trusty axe and us constantly hitting on each other; walked to Pho where you ordered the same thing as me cause you suck at choosing you frikkin’ white boy; then coming back to Milton to hang out at the park to talk and cuddle and freeze to near death.

We talked about a lot of things last night. It was getting cold and late but neither of us wanted to leave.

You said that I was hard to read because I don’t act and react like most girls. It was a little confusing (but true) but you said you like that so that’s good I guess (well it’s not like I was planning to change that anyway).

I don’t know if I’d call it a date, but it was great. Just having your company is good enough. Going with the flow and not knowing where this’ll take us.

I’m afraid to talk about it with you. What we are and why we do these things and act the way we act. I don’t wanna find out that after all this time I’m just a plug to the hole in your heart.

But when I almost fell off the bench and you caught me and said “Don’t fall.” and I responded with “I won’t.”, it made me think of something entirely different.

I’m starting to catch something I didn’t wanna catch in the first place.

The Fault In Our Stars.

I hate this book. I hate it.

I don’t hate it because it was written horribly (hell, it was written to perfection),

I hate it because it got me so bad.

I baaawled my eyes out.

At first I was like what the hell, I’m not even crying, I don’t even feel the need to cry.

Then when it was time for the funeral, that’s when I lost it.

It was such a cute book. All the flirting and Augustus fucking Waters.

(I need to find me an Augustus Waters.)

There were so many little life things that you can learn from it.

The first person narration made it even better.

I hate this book because it made me cry.

But I love this book because it made me happy and it was just that goddamn good.

Thoughts.

So many things in my head.

About you, mostly.

If I’m good enough,

if I’m pretty enough,

if I’m cool enough,

how do I keep your attention,

do I get annoying when I text you first,

do you even wanna talk to me,

are you even interested,

the future, etc.

But then I think,

what the hell am I thinking about?

I’m single and should just think about myself for once.

I haven’t been single for four years.

Go with the flow, do whatever.

Have fun out there.

And I told myself you’re off limits.

I can’t get feelings for you.

But damn, you just stay in my head.

Can’t seem to get you out.

… fuck.

What part of “Go away” and “Leave me alone” do you not understand?

I don’t wanna see you or talk to you.

Me texting you yesterday as a reply to your note was not an invitation for you to start talking to me again.

Or even come to see me.

So please stop.

Goddamnit.

If there’s someone you don’t want to talk to, you’d simply tell them that you don’t wanna talk to them or try avoiding a conversation.

But if they keep pestering you, you’d obviously get annoyed, right?

I told you to leave me alone sooo many times and you still don’t take the hint. I don’t wanna talk to you, plain and simple. You don’t need to question why. If you have the decency and respect to go with someone’s wish of you leaving them alone, you would. But you don’t.

I said we’d be friends, but you message me erryday constantly. I don’t even talk to my friends erryday. You even accuse me of random shit that you don’t have the rights to question or comment to me about. It just gets really annoying. So I take the friends thing back. After all, you’re the one that said we can’t be friends initially. And I agree.

I’m not the type of person to block or delete people on social networking sites or even my phone, but you just took it to a whole other level of annoying. So I have no choice.

Think I’m a bitch? Good. Only when I need to be.

Now leave me alone.

I’d rather miss you and not have you than have you and have both of us hurting.

So. Much. Thinking.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Why you? Why would God give us a second chance if he’d just give us the option to lose each other again?

Why do I keep having dreams about you? Why is everyone teasing me about you because of it?

Why did you abandon me? What made you want to leave?

What if we end up getting together eventually?

What if we dated a long time ago?

What if we get back together?

What if everything just falls apart?

What if this complicated friendship is not so complicated anymore?

What if I were to see you randomly in the city?

How would I feel if you see me returning your things?

How would I react to seeing you again?

What if I lose you?

I don’t wanna lose you.

Or you.

Especially not you.

Drifting, drifting, d r i f t i n g.

Stupid Comm.

I hate Comm.

Why do we always fight about Comm?

I’m sorry.

No I take that back.

I don’t know.

What am I saying now?

Now I don’t know if I wanna sleep or not.

Beer makes me sleepy.

But so many thoughts in my head.

Sometimes I wish I’m not alone to think like this.

It’s one of those nights.

Late night blog.

Damn, it’s been a while.

Well.. I just wanted to rant.

About you.

There’s a thin line between knowing when to give up and knowing when to continue to fight.

I feel like you’re worth it, but sometimes it feels like I’m just wasting my time.

But errybody feels like that in their relationship during hard times, no?

Even though I’m not exactly in a relationship.

But labels don’t matter.

What matters is us.

And how we feel about each other.

It’s just that we go through that rough patch over and over.

And it’s a stupid topic to be arguing about.

There are bigger things.

I don’t know.

I’m kind of rambling now with a bit of red wine in my system.

But yeah.

Can you believe if we were still together it would’ve been over four years.. goddamn.

In a way I’m glad we’re still like this.

After all we’ve been through.

But then again, when do you know if you should let someone else a chance?

Man, life is so complicated, lol.

But I’m happy with you.

Sometimes.

When we’re not fighting.

And when you’re not being stupid.

And when I’m not being stupid.

But you’re stupider.

Lol.

Okay I think I’m done rambling.

Good night errybody. 

I’m happy about us.

I know I’ve said this before, I say it all the time, and I’ve said it with someone else before. But I am.

We started talking again a few weeks after me and Jireh broke up. Someone told me about “being the better person” so I thought maybe I shouldn’t be all bitchy with you. So I decided to text hi. And from then on, we just kept talking.

We built up from that. We hung out, went on “dates”, you helped me do errands, dropped me off places, all that jazz. And we enjoyed it.

It’s like we threw everything from the past out the window and started over. Well, for the most part. The past can still get in the way, but we’re trying to avoid any past issues.

I know getting back with exes when you ended badly is not a good idea, according to the majority of people. But I don’t know.. there’s something about him that no matter how much he annoys me, how much he angers me, deep down I know that I love him.

Yeah, I said it. I love him. I love you. I always have. I guess all the hate and anger just buried it down and I went into a state of denial. It doesn’t matter if it’s still puppy love or true love, it’s still love. He was my first love, and as Jeremy Passion said, “See I’ll never forget my first love”.

I don’t wanna get back together with you. At least, not yet. I wanna enjoy this. I wanna enjoy life. I wanna finish school. I want you to finish school. I wanna see where this goes. Seeing if bad habits would change. Testing our patience to see if this is real. And we’ve agreed on it.

Bottom line is, whether we’re friends or dealing or officially a couple, I’m happy about us.

And hopefully it stays that way.

It felt like a cheesy romance movie.

I couldn’t eat at the party. I was anxious and felt nauseous. I was about to see you after two months.

When I saw you walk through the door, I looked away. I was too afraid to make eye contact. I didn’t know how to react. Especially because you were just a table away.

When you performed, I kinda didn’t wanna watch. But I did. And you and your partner did a good job.

You mentioned that at the debut last year, when you first noticed me, you wanted to bump into me on the dance floor. I was thinking of that as soon as we got on the dance floor last night. But nothing happened.

I think we made eye contact a few times. I wanted so bad for you to approach me. Because I didn’t wanna make the first move. Again. Because I wanted to give you the letter I wrote. But you didn’t. And as I watched you leave, impulse striked again.

My friend said to give the letter if I wanted closure. I contemplated whether or not to just go and give it to you. Then I ran outside.

I couldn’t find your car. Eventually I found it backing up at the parking lot. When you passed by me, you honked and waved, but you didn’t hear me yell “WAIT!” and drove away. My heart sank as you drove away.

My friend told me to call you. So I did. And you were driving, so I knew of course you weren’t gonna pick up. So I went back inside all devastated. Then my phone started to vibrate. And it was you.

You told me to go back outside because you turned the car around. So I did. And we talked. You were so emotional, more than me. Especially since you were explaining why you broke up with me.

It felt nice. Your company. Us talking. It was a quiet night. Just being with you. Cause I missed you so much.

I warned you about the letter, that I wrote it when I was angry and disappointed. You said you’d understand and that you wouldn’t get mad.

You said you missed me. You said how devastated you were when we broke up. You said “I can’t wait for the day when we get back together.” I couldn’t help but question if you were telling the truth.

But whatever. I didn’t care. All I cared about was that moment. Because I missed you so much that I just wanted to soak in the moment of us talking after so long.

I felt a little better talking to you and giving you the letter. There was my closure. Hopefully my mind can shut up about it now.

Summer just started. School starts in September.

Only time will tell.

Bused to Mohawk today.

Panicked cause I had to mail something first and thought I wasn’t gonna make my bus.

I had to take two GO buses and one city transit bus. I thought it was so weird cause the fare was $2.55.. I thought fares were supposed to be multiples of .25

Two way would cost me a total of about $20. Imagine that a day. That’s $100 a week. Goddamn, gonna be broke status.

LOL we got lost on the way back home since we missed our stop.. then hopped on another bus at the terminal.. realizing we didn’t need to.. so we walked back and ran around looking for a street, and found out it was the street behind the terminal.. then we almost got off the wrong carpool if the bus driver didn’t remember where we were headed.

It was mothereffin’ hot, but on the bright side, I now know how to get to school for September and I had a great day with my pig 🐷